Jumping in the cold sea water
my personal experiences in Suomenlinna
– by Felix Moser –
funny how the professional in communication encounters a spiritual experience, and the spiritual traveller meets a professional space to engage in the field of communication
circle holds it – Suomenlinna hosted – we did it
thanks Kirsi, yes I too have the experience we created a living circle – of healing, co-creating, community and of individual growth
how I ended up there
following a trail of coincidences -meeting people, like Wilma and committing in shared growth, like Rainer, Lena and engaging with art of hosting in Graz, being invited on short notice “why don’t you come with us to helsinki…?” I came to the island.
art of hosting I reported my former spouse, with the words “I think I eventually came to meet people who found a way of making the spirit of talking stick approachable for us white sisters and brothers.”
thus learning village with such a calling question had me travel with the intention of contributing the best way I can in creating the next steps towards living circle. That we were bound to succeed fully and without exaltation – as we did, bonding and joining, healing and growing, moving up the spiral of potential for viable communities, and that with science, arts, economics, foodstuffs, dancing, historical and spiritual things complementing each other – yes, quite an experience.
anxiety and naivety
so I arrived with the hosting group the very first day, taking up the invitation to engage freely without any worries about providing structure, safe space for others – I felt great, welcome and safe with everything that had been prepared and the people I met.
oh, and it was so much fun just picking up work as I saw fit to contribute, knowing others would care for the things I didn’t. wasn’t that the lv-experience, and me meeting all those professionals who knew about lv, I was sure – they knew that’s a safe way to operate, there’d be an appropriate summoning of skills among those pros, to match the needs of participants – me being able to peek into background work in this beautifully transparent and open design, but being a participant and a welcome additional resource
only the closing days I realized, this had been quite an experiment for many of you – lucky I am, being part of it.
I have been working with traumatized people – both “normal” and with an individual focus of their spirit on reality, done bodywork and schooled my perception. So I immediately realized the emotional distress of feeling the moving sea around me all the time and looking out into the vastness of the sea and flat lands without the secure back or node of a even a single mountain.
I mentioned so in the circle, but otherwise focused on people, spaces and emerging possibilities of learning and contributing. I kept busy. Wilma, asking for my support in her “outing” a seeress among new folks, made me jump into sharing and offering my spiritual side freely – as I am not used to. Not in professional life, not in social life – only among the greater circle of my spirit family who share the notion of a living and communicating universe – many of my friends know me well enough, but wouldn’t agree.
I came eager to learn on the field of communication, coaching, hosting etc. – trying out, finding out, getting an I idea – if, how I, with my experiences and skills, could maybe take steps towards working with groups or projects like that too. Never done that before – well no, called in an international queer youth meeting in my early twenties, engaging in grassroots politics – being left alone by my fellow activists and failing in every single step of organization – I really fucked that one up (while the participants I was told later were fucking around – at least they were having a great time).
fear and success
must have been that day of emotional escalation, no the evening before that – I caught up with reality, that me acting the way I did, was felt strongly by many, stirring interest, making me feel queasy. First that feeling then, finally getting it, “hey I am doing design for spaces, raising my voice in circle, doing healing work, etc. – having impact on people, I cannot steal around that – I have to start giving, like directly offer what I can give, and stop pretending it’s got nothing to do with me, before I choke on that.
so I called my workshop in open space, and there were like so many people, and yeahh – it was great. And there was pro-action cafe with Rainer – inviting me to co-host – must have been the same day, at least it feels like that. Being myself fully immersed in that energy of “poder” (“making meaningful use of personal power, while being respectfully aware and in communication with other and the group as a whole” … sth. like that…) – I found myself in a task, asking for qualities that are at home somewhere on the opposite side of the circle. Moving in the field held by Rainer I saw how I did not manage to balance these complementing energies, yin and yang did not gracefully move with each other.
then the circle with the groan – zone, or how was it called. I should hold the circle, holding the bells, then Wilma asking me to introduce a hooponopono for the group, which felt in the position I found myself completely inappropriate, to offer a spiritual healing ceremony, while the issue brought up was systemic and on underlying power structure.
somehow that was done by some like a constellation, parallel to the ongoing dispute – and attempts of resolve, while not a single person was willing to leave, matters being unresolved. Me neither, taking myself back, then realizing, though I did not feel personally involved in conflict, my triggers being pushed – I felt so emotional I could not sincerely hold circle, I gave back the bells and left the room.
got coffee, relaxed a little, came back, left, came back, sat down – and then completely out of factional context had an emotional outburst, literally without thinking grabbed the bells – once more blowing into a conflict, actually just being settled this very moment – provoking tears and anger.
I did not feel guilty. Sorry, when I got the picture over the course of the evening – piece by piece – of how terrifically out of place I had been. Amazing how the groan zone energies dissolved, thankful for the chance to apologize and clear things up, beautiful to find a new day with strengthened relations and new bonds coming out of that experience …
teaching and healing
… aware of something to learn. How to be responsible in community on a transpersonal level – the best teachers at hand, giving me first insight, before I even knew what I was working on. Thank you Jan-Erik, Nancy, Martin, Amanda, Rainer for your non-invasive input (is that appropriate terminology?) – there must have been more teachings I’m not yet aware of. Thank you all who were there for staying true to the circle, and holding the poise of assuming best intent by each individual – thank you for holding me.
… aware of having followed through on an impulse of fear, using the resource I had offered to teach people, turning the beautiful connection to my animal instinct into a weapon. Luckily, there was not much resonance to my fear, a little uneasiness on some parts, but basically community being strong enough to hardly even tremble – on the contrary, using the energy of my onslaught turning it into something useful for all, by means of many well meaning perspectives offered by different individuals. (And that’s only the small slice of my experience in that complex event.)
so I was free and safe, still, to ask spirit about that fear and for healing. Which I found in Sauna, actually with the circle of people there. Everyone talking about jumping into the cold water of the sea after sweating – my initial anxiety turned into fear. I stated I would not
Lena bringing up the subject of sweat lodge, a lot of information on traditional finnish sauna, being a place for birth, community and of goodbye to the deceased being offered – my fear started to become more and more physically tangible, moving down the steps in the sauna becoming intent on going through that, while taking precautions not to faint, cramp or show to much tremor – I shared my feelings, shared sweat lodge experiences, and sang the song of pacha mama…
…I decided to jump into the cold and wide and deep and utterly scary dark water of the sea. Isn’t she the womb of my mother, the earth. Viola sang the song of old mader jord, the vibration weaving around my inner tremor like comforting bands of white linen, I asked for help, to give me support when diving into the cold – walking towards the shore, the landscape moving around me as if I was on a swaying ship, Niilo was reciting the litany of facing fear for me (from “Dune” by the “Bene Gesserit”), thus helping me to focus.
I went in to the knees and came out again, my legs were burning from the cold – consolations and encouragements – I went again and this time I did it, dived in. And stepped out being reborn. A true sweat lodge experience, ceremony being called up not by ritual, but by shared spirit of community. My Thanks and Gratefulness and Appreciation to all of you.
how I start from there
the professional, social and spiritual realms of my experience showed as a whole, not needing to be separated – but me, as an individual being welcome in all my aspects, strength, weakness and vulnerability.
Jumping into the water of life, society, the professional world – showing myself, all that I have grown to be – that was what that fear had kept me from. Now as a small child, I am learning to walk…
…nurturing the new connections, trying out new fields of working, learning from my peers, following the beautiful unfolding of life, watching out for what might emerge – offering my skills, taking chances, making use of opportunities.
Elselien has agreed to do some coaching for me, making sense of where I stand, orient myself and finding new steps in reasonable reach. I’m looking forward to the workshop Rainer called, doing some real work, and learning.
Wyn from New Zealand and Jörg will be calling for an Marae – experience in Austria, hope it will be at Franz and Waltraud’s place. (still have to tell them about my Marae experience in Suomenlinna).
And I think I will offer workshops myself at Obenaus in summer, since Lena and Rainer casually informed and invited me – I’ve learned, it’s up to me to take up the ball – and take myself seriously.
You only learn what you teach – it is said – I find that to be very true, 😉 Olivier.
…and who knows
what else might come up.
My willingness has been awakened – thanks to You – fellow villagers.
– Felix Moser –
Photos by Irmeli Aro and Jan-Erik Tarpila